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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
sometimes when i`m lonely i`ll fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend that i`m a meatball
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Winter is filled with men trying to figure out the least feminine way to apply chapstick.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Make BIG mistakes in life. Those people are remembered forever. On Youtube.
If the government shutdown effected alcohol or internet porn they`d have this sh!t fixed by tomorrow morning.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there`d be one less blogger.