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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
wondering if today is a good day to implement my plan...
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
Do you ever notice that when you´re driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?
My friends are the type of friends that if my house was on fire, they would be over here with marshmallows and hitting on the hot fireman!
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
This post is just for you.
Been there, done that. Then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
Its sad that we live in a world that puts words into the dictionary if enough stupid people use it.
I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I`ll remember you.
Researchers claim that the Internet is making us dumber and more impatient. I don`t get it. Moving on.
If there is not an open bar and a delicious cake at your wedding, I will take my gift card to Walmart back.
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"