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In my most recent survey,,, four out of five women talked crap about the fifth one whenever she was out of earshot.
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Facebook`s list of "suggested friends" is quite literally a list of people I`ve been avoiding my entire life.
Take me seriously at your own risk.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I declare today, “Hit that dumb person you’ve always wanted to punch in the face day.”
I`ve spent the past four years looking for my ex-wife`s killer, but no one will do it.
Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?
What`s the opposite of wanting to hear about you doing crossfit? I`m that.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.