Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
It`s amazing how much people are willing to lower their eating standards when you insert the word "free" in front of the word "food".
You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
It’s a good thing the fate of mankind doesn’t depend on me turning on the correct stove-top burner on my first try.
Relationships are like bathrooms. I`m in them a lot longer than I need to be, probably cause I`m playing on my phone the whole time.
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Firemen, Astronauts, and Doctors are the only people who actually followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.
It’s amazing what I’m able to get done when I need to do something else.
Does running out of money count as exercise?