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Do you think in the spirit world they have TV shows about trying to make contact with the living?
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Lightning bugs use their blinkers more than most drivers.
Not to brag but when I push it, I push it real good.
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase Regards again.
When I drink I become everybody`s friend which makes up for my hating everybody when I`m sober.
I`m pretty sure there`s a chip in my car that turns all traffic lights RED...
Vodka...deleting memories since...uhh...
"What`s wrong?" "Oh it`s personal" Then, why`d you post it to Facebook.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"