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I would like to say to all my 500+ facebook friends, that i love each and every one of you..except you number 371..your a real a@@hole!!
There aren`t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I`m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Is beer cheaper off the kids menu
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
I`m not fat, God gave me built in airbags because I`m so precious.
His idea of cleanliness is sweeping the room with a glance.
Judging from my last 5 relationships I am convinced my heart is trying to kill me
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
You know there was a time in my life where I just didn`t give a f#ck.....funny how it seems that much hasn`t changed from an hour ago!!
Life is not like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today might burn your a$$ tomorrow.