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Hair pulling during sex is hot ... unless the whole wig comes off.
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Care less and you’ll stress less.
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
When I squeeze a tube of `whitening toothpaste` and it’s blue, I’m like, well this is off to a bad start.
People who walk down the escalator. Stop it, we have enough over achievers!
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Serving size ?? LMAO
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
Excuse me sir, where do you keep the "Whoomp"? Oh, there it is.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.