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Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Happy Wednesday 2014 Everyone!
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn`t even come close to my 10 year old`s reaction when I told him that there`s no school today.
Why isn`t Hungary`s capital city called "Very"
I slept on my neck funny and today I will be turning my whole body like Batman every time I have to look at something.
The little piggy who went to market... wasn`t going shopping. Wrap your mind around that for a moment.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
I like to think that people that unfriend me wake up months later regretting that irreversible and life altering decision.
The future was so much cooler in the past.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you`d be back. I seem to have that effect on people Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave