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Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
The path to inner peace begins with 3 simple words....Not my problem.
I don`t believe in karma, but I do believe in punching people in the face.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
"I`ll let you know" = I need more time to come up with an excuse
When I think of a SELFIE, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of...
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Behind that fat girl is a beautiful woman...No seriously, she`s in the way.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.