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I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
I’m planning on ringing the new year in with a kiss ... whether my dog likes it or not.
Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.