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I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
Why do TV shows say "May contain nudity"? It either does or doesn`t. Don`t make me watch the entire thing and find out the hard way it doesn`t....
How do you play religious roulette? You stand around in a circle with your friends and blaspheme, and see who gets struck by lightning first.
There is no such thing as bad luck, there is good luck and life!
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere.
I`d be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
If there`s no god then how do you explain yoga pants?
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Burned almost a thousand calories with the elliptical machine today. Moved it into the basement, that thing is heavy!
? Single ? Taken ? Depends on who`s asking.
I didn’t say “what?” because I can’t hear you. I was giving you a chance to change what you said.
I wonder if pet products are tested on humans?
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.