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Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas. The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey do you mind? I`m eating here."
The only government agency that listens to you is the NSA.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
I love my toilet. We`ve been through alot of sh!t together.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Starting tomorrow, whatever life throws at me, I`m ducking so it hits someone else!
Tonight`s good mood is sponsored by ... Beer!!
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
Best Relationship Advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Walking past a new employee`s desk & yelling, "Do you think it`s a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.
The most dangerous drinking game is seeing how long I can go without coffee.
Dogs are God`s way of apologizing for your relatives.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always the hardest....