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Pepsi and Coke can`t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Anyone else ever thought about farting into one of those plastic cylinders at the bank drive-thru?
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
Guys, if my hair doesn`t look like a birds nest afterward, you`re doing it wrong.
Chocolate comes from Cocoa, which is a tree. That makes cocoa a plant….chocolate is a salad.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn’t have couches at this Best Buy
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
Redneck Term Of Thee Day-Wisdom: "Mah bruther had him some kidney stones, but he wisdom out!"
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks