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Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
50% of people believe s@x is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are guys
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
If a girl texts you and asks if you think she`s fat and you try to respond "Nooo" autocorrect changes it to "Moo" so that`s pretty cool.
Perhaps we should hold elections on the last Friday of November, with polling stations at Walmart, Target and Apple
Zombies only eat brains. You’re safe.
You`ve been on more hotel pillows then chocolate mints.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If there is a wrong place and a wrong time, I’ll be there.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
Tried to explain Twitter to my 80 year old Mother, pretty sure she is now insane.
Bananas are the strippers of the fruit world.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you`re nuts.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.