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therapy is expensive...vodka is not. need I say more....
Sunglasses: allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It`s like Facebook in real life.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn`t notice... until they needed to wink at somebody.
“Oh boy, I can’t wait to be productive today.” – said no one ever
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
It`s pretty neat how owning a pool gives me an excuse to own every chemical needed to make a body completely disappear.
There is a gym called Anytime Fitness. I choose 2030.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
Men also have feelings. For example, we can feel hungry
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she`ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on carpet, but only for like 20 seconds...
Pizza is like sex, when it is good it`s very good, When it`s bad...it`s still pretty good.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.