Daily Silly Status

"Check, please!" - Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

Often I convince myself I enjoy the company of other humans. Then I spend time with them and remember I don`t.

Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...

It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.

I dreamt I was you..I hated myself. Luckily I woke up..woah that was close.

If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?

I believe in helping the homeless. That`s why every year I buy a new refrigerator and throw away the box.

I`m about to eat gas station breakfast. Tell my family that I love them.

Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.

I`m a firm believer that if something takes 10 minutes to cook on 200 degrees then it should only take 5 minutes to cook on 400 degrees

Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?

I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.

I don’t know how many girls it takes to change a lightbulb but I guarantee you they’d post pictures of them doing it on Facebook.

I didn’t sell my soul to the devil….we worked out a rent-to-own deal.

One problem with auto-correct is that you always end up posting some thong you didn`t Nintendo.