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My coworkers should be less concerned about my job performance and just be happy I remember to wear pants each day.
I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Don`t play stupid with me! I`m better at it.
I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
When I`m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they`re safe
You couldn`t handle me even if I came with instructions.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Hope you get down and funky on this the day of your birth!!
The hardest job in the world must be working in a bubble wrap factory. Can you imagine the self control that is required?
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
My entire existence is just me sitting around waiting to get hungry again.
What happens when Batman sees Catwoman? The Dark Knight Rises.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".