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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
The adult version of Operation is trying not to break a tortilla chip while dipping it into a jar of salsa.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
So many feelings today. Mostly hunger.
Progress is made by lazy people looking for an easier way to do things
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
How come there are never any restrooms in my dreams
I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do... And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘to speak badly of`.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Obviously the movie "the good wife" is not based on a true story. It`s fiction people.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
If I`m your emergency contact, for your sake, I hope that hospital sends texts too.