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Why do people say ”I saw it with my own eyes.” Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the smart one
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My job blocked the Favstar website and I`m not sure if I should quit or take hostages. Haha! Jk. I`m totally taking hostages.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
With all the potato chip flavors available now, I see no point in buying actual food...
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
Daylight Savings makes us lose an hour... It’s kind of like Facebook.
I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that`s not just the booze talking either".
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
When buying a flat screen tv, always remember to put the box in your neighbor’s trash so you don’t get robbed.
I love facebook because it helps me remember what I did the night before when I blacked out.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.