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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
Oh you`re in the shower? Here`s the seven worst songs from your playlist. - shuffle mode
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie in the apocalypse is all the walking.
If your wife has 2 phones, save both numbers under one name : “Wife” Never save them as "Wife1" and “Wife2" ~ a husband from the hospital
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
I Like this quote. I dislike this quote. I am so clever that sometimes I don´t understand a single word of what I am saying.
I`m like the toughest guy in this comic book store.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
My favorite mythical creature is the happy b*tch in tampon commercials.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Never be mean to nerds. You never know, one day you might be working for them!
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.