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In the morning instead of having coffee and reading my horoscope, I have coffee and unfriend anyone who posts their horoscope.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
The best neighbors are the ones you never see.
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
I decided I really need to read more. I watch way to much TV ... So I turned on the subtitles.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
Who called them expiration dates instead of spoiler alerts
Talking to me this morning is like trying to dribble a ball with not enough air in it.
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
You ever want to just grab someone and say, WTF is wrong with you?
I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."