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“They dared me to” is ALWAYS a valid excuse.
Screw Folgers, the best part of waking up is knowing I survived last night`s drinking.
Does anyone have the recipe for ice cubes? Asking for a friend.
It`s weird how after they couldn`t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King`s men were like "Let`s give the horses a shot at it"
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Someone just told me to "Have a good morning". What about the rest of my day mother f*cker?
Saying I have a drinking problem is like saying Bruce Lee had a kung fu problem, it`s not a problem if you`re good at it.
Treasure the years with your children while they are still distracted by bubbles.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Goodnight, good people - and nite nite to the naughty ones too!
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
I always read my girlfriend’s horoscope to see what kind of day I`m going to have.
I’m amazed by how quickly I forget what I’m doing.
Given enough coffee, I believe I could rule the world.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.