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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
Marriage is like friends without benefits.
Watching game shows is like watching porn, you get excited watching someone else get lucky
is deep in thought . . . if only i could remember what i was thinking about
The next person I hear say “I love fall” is getting choked out with a scarf soaked in pumpkin spice latte.
Some people have goals of conquering the world! My goal is to sleep through the night without having to get up and pee!
How to cuss a kid out... "Shut the fudge up you little astronaut! You son of a batch of cookies! What the helicopters are you doing?!"
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I have four missed calls from my mom. A rescure team is gonna break down my door and find me sitting on my couch in my underwear eating cheetos any minute now.
"Be strong" I whisper to my coffee.
You don`t have to drink to have fun... Just have fun drinking!
"Huh?" (my thought for the day)
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that sh!t.