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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
What is the difference between a Snow-man & a Snow-lady? Snowballs!
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Remember when the scariest thing we had to deal with was computers forgetting what year it was
My girlfriend left me because I`m a legend ... Or to quote her, `Arrogant`.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
I read that taking a long, hot bath can help with managing stress. Unfortunately my boss doesn`t approve.
My Christmas present to all of you? I took a naked selfie and deleted it.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.