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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
If at first you don´t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
On a scale of 1 to "Me".. how smart are you?
University; It`s like being unemployed, but your parents are proud of you.
The zoo is a pretty safe place to fart.
I feel sorry for people who don`t have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Life Insurance: Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money?
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn`t eat.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
A homeless man told me he hadn`t had a bite in weeks, so I bit him.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.