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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they`d lose the alarm and just announce that there`s free food by the stairs.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
FACT: How kids feel about snow days is the exact opposite of how parents feel about snow days.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
It`s never your successful friends posting inspirational quotes on Facebook.
So apparently the security guard at Kroger didn`t believe that life gave me that lemon.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, does it really have calories?
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.
Several decisions I make on a daily basis hinge upon the question "illegal or just frowned upon?"
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.