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2017 didn`t need that extra hour back.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Please don’t mistake my personality for flirting. Just because I’m awesome doesn’t mean I like you.
It’s that time of the evening where my beer bottle has magically turned into a microphone again.
When I was younger I thought I was bipolar. Turns out I was just an a$$hole who was happy about it.
Fashion is what you call hideous clothes that are really expensive
I checked my horoscope today and all I can say is ...WOW!! I`m a Taurus and I looked it up and sure enough,it says I was born between 4/21-5/21!! Well played horoscope, well played.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I`m just 1 nap, 8 beers, 2 orgasms and my own personal robot away from this being the best day ever.
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
I never cry over spilt milk. But, beer? That sh!t`s totally different.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
The closest I ever got to murdering is when I held a Oreo cookie in milk until the bubbles stop.
So apparently, all you can eat buffets do not include the waitresses...