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Nothing is as scary as logging into Facebook and seeing someone you were secretly with last night has uploaded a new album.
I just passed the local college and saw 3 very fit young ladies with very tight yoga pants walking to class...I have never been so motivated to return to college.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
It is hard to imagine how people showed their anger before doors were invented.
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
I am not cut out for the CIA. All the opposing side would have to do is tickle me and I’d spill all our nation’s secrets.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets
I make self-sabotage look like an art form.
If you don`t take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?
Pay no attention to the pizza being delivered to the bush outside your bedroom window.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.