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My kids think I`m uncool like I thought my parents where. Time to get even! ;)
Confidence is going after Moby Dick in a row boat ... and taking the tartar sauce with you.
Does this status update make me look fat?
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
Our parents always taught us NOT to write on walls... Facebook teaches us differently
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
Go ahead caller 9!!
The leading cause of divorce ? ... marriage
Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each night.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
I`m working harder than an ugly stripper!!
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.