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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Before we start this relationship, I am going to need you to explain a few pics in your Facebook albums.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Money can`t buy you happiness, but it does give you the ability to rent it until you die.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it ... I`m gonna miss that baby...
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
Do you know what this house is missing? A box of $#!+, Let`s get a cat.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Can anyone recommend a few thousand books on hoarding?
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Hey, did you know that in two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!
Only YOU, can prevent bathroom mirror pictures.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.