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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
It`s Monday. I`m refreshed and ready to hate my Job
Things to do today.....pet all the spiders in my house at least twice with my shoe.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.
If you don’t like being tailgated then don’t play movies I like.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
Coffee`s a great way to fool yourself into believing you`re going to have a productive day.
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around. Observe them. Write down notes.
If anyone ever steals my identity, I hope they show it a good time. Take it skydiving. We`ve always wanted to go skydiving.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?