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My horoscope started with `are you sitting down?`
Personally, I believe that around 93% of the world`s population should run with scissors.
I prefer to use the bathroom naked w/ the door wide open. Sorry if this interferes with your idea of a "safe & fun work environment"
Checklist: Poke People ? Delete People ? Block People ? Send Friend Requests ? Accept Friend Requests ? Ignore Chats ? Make Stupid Photoshop Pics With My Face ?....Morning chores all done.
My identity was stolen. I hope they do a better job with my life than I did!
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
I´m on a whisky diet. I´ve lost three days already!
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
They`ve got this brand new machine at the gym. I only used it for about an hour because I started to feel sick, but it`s awesome - it`s got Mars Bars, KitKat Chunkys, Cheetos, crisps.... everything!
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
that akward moment when you finish doing your thing in the toilet and you realise there is no tissue
I’m not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.
My therapist says I`m paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Printing an expiration date on a bag of Cheetos is just a waste of ink.