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So exhausting to have my life changed for the better every time someone posts a screenshot of a famous quote.
I want rich people problems. Like where to park my yacht.
The Easter Bunny doesn`t always drink, but when he does I bet it`s hopscotch.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Think about what last call would look like if Walmart had a bar
Ohh sh!t, my b!tch button is stuck.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them...
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
Peppermint schnapps might seem like a ridiculous drink, but nobody at work ever complains about my breath.
Don`t hate me because I`m beautiful. Hate me because your man thinks I am.
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
People always say that alcohol kills... but if you think about it .... it causes many births too.
Money isn`t the key to happiness ... Wait a minute, I`ll just pay to have a key made.
Facebook is perfect for those people that have never been very good at waiting for their turn to speak.