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If this world got any smaller I`d probably fall off - George T. Ignace
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
If anybody asks, I was on Facebook all night tonight, okay? Thanks for having my back, everyone.
You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I`m like that, but with salad.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
Am I the only one who thinks my body should have better things to do than make nipple hair?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Thanks for the free weekend offer E-Harmony but my wife said I can`t use it.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.