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I`ll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where`s my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I`m here! Under your jacket!"
* feels winds of change * realizes it`s just a hole in my shorts
Guess what I saw today? ... Everything I looked at.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
I could do so much more if I only had minions.
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
I can`t help but feel insulted when that voice on the speaker calls me a Walmart shopper.
When I die, bury me with a pack of smokes, no light. Where I`m going, there will have plenty of free fires to light from.
Inspirational status of the day: Don’t be a douche.
My boss was all, "Do you know why I called you to the office, " and I was like, "I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom."
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.