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My doctor told me to start watching what I eat. What channel is the Pizza Network on?
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
Remember kids, NEVER light fireworks. Let the adults, who have been drinking all day, light them instead!
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Happy 4th of July ... U can toss out the Christmas tree now
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
The problem with the general public is that it`s made of people.
Saw a hobo sleeping on a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. Must be his alarm system.
Pretending to be nice is exhausting...
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
drinking 2% milk, wondering what the other 98% is...
See, I would run, but it`s usually bodies of joggers that are found dead in the woods.
Normal is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for — in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes and the car, and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it.
Wouldn`t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...