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Vegetables are a must on my diet. I am eating Carrot cake, Zucchini bread and Pumpkin pie.
Boobs are a lot like train sets, they were meant for kids, but dad always ends up wanting to play with them.
I was pretty sure that at this point in my career I would have henchmen by now!
When exactly are they going to make Xanax fit my Pez Dispenser?
I live in fear that one day the real "World`s Greatest Dad" is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
I can sum up my life in three words: “just browsing, thanks.”
A person soon learns how little they know when a child begins to ask questions.
There’s nothing like having a long to-do list to make me feel like doing absolutely nothing.
"I want to be cuddled, but I want to be alone. Being crazy is hard." - WOMEN
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
These statuses are a lot better if you imagine them being read by Morgan Freeman.
my husband of 10 years still goes mad when I use his toothbrush, if anyone knows a better way to get dog poo off shoes, im all ears
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.