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Million dollar idea: Duck Dynasty chia pets.
Question : if you fart at the gym can people wearing headphones still smell it? Asking for a friend
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Hiding from people at parties is my cardio.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
He was like, `We`re all slowly dying` So I was like, `WRONG` and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
You should have been a chicken and just went home.
Please drink responsibly this weekend and don`t drink and dri......Wait this is Facebook, most of you probably won`t leave the house! ... Good talk!
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
If my calculations are right, by November of 2019 my uneven usage of conditioner will finally lap the shampoo and I will run out of both at the exact same time.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I haven’t lived paycheck to paycheck since my last paycheck.
Back in my day we had 9 planets.