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Today is one of those “yeah, I’m not getting anything done” kind of days.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
I just found out that a bucket of KFC when you`re finished with it, also doubles as a porta-potty...
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you`ll have good luck. Or some kind of virus because pennies are dirty and gross.
never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Life advice: Enjoy the f*ck out of it. It`s that simple.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
My Tupperware lids and single socks are chilling somewhere laughing at me.
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
If women kept their feelings to themselves would they explode? Guess we`ll never know.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
My home security system is just 15 motion-activated Big Mouth Billy Basses.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.