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What this country needs is more unemployed politicians...
You can pretty much text anything as long as you put a happy face emoticon afterwards. You`re a slut :)
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
Why can`t the ice cream man just get a freakin liquor license already
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
I bet people don’t understand that I’m joking 800% of the time.
The guy who invented the Time Machine has just died.... RIP DAVE JONES 2187-2014
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
You’re really not as bad as people say. You’re much, much worse.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, nobody else wanted them either :)
In fact, yes, l can multitask. I can screw up several things at once.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a girl who`s free for the weekend.
`Google`` must be a woman, because it knows everything.