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You see I, I´ve raise a toast to all of us. Who are breakin´ our backs everyday. If wantin´ the good life is such a crime. Lord, then put me away, yeah, here´s to you
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I talked to my mom, and she said she probably hadn`t had sex with any of you guys. Damn dirty liars.
No, I would not like to know what fruit my body is shaped like.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face. I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Wanna come over for pizza and sex? I`m just kidding ... there`s no pizza.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Judging by the commercials, only old white guys with sailboats can suffer from erectile dysfunction.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.