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I have a feeling my check liver light will come on this weekend
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
If you want to preview of the new iPhone 8 and try it out for free before buying it just look at your iPhone 7 and pretend it cost several hundred dollars more.
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like "Dude, you have to wait."
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
The first sign of laziness:
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
The average power nap is 20 minutes. This works out well because I can fit 3 of them evenly into one hour.
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
I`m 99% sure you think I`m weird. And I`m 100% sure I don`t care.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.