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Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
I`ve been knocking for ten minutes. Don`t people answer their bathroom windows anymore?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night ... From the dryer
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
I`m bored, I think I`ll ask my boyfriend if I look fat. - women
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
Sharks aren’t so bad. If some stranger entered my house wearing only a Speedo, I would probably attack him too.
iTunes got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.