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I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Don`t ``Wine and dine`` me ... ``Champagne`` me ... step it up a notch
Whoever says "you need two to tango" obviously hasn`t seen me drunk.
Dear New Years Resolutions People; You don`t have to wait for the New Year to get your sh*t together and become a better person.
Can we all just agree to start spelling it "Wensday"?
This "doing nothing" is hard work, how am I supposed to know when I`m done?
If jail isn`t supposed to be fun, why do they get bunk beds?
My dad always used to say, "The sky`s the limit!" Which is probably why he got fired from his job at NASA.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Don`t get into a relationship with someone unless they love you as much as Kim Kardashian loves Kim Kardashian.
I’m writing this from the hospital. Don’t worry! The doctors say I’m going to be OK but I must warn you. The Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name!
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Once again its friday I know its only been 7 days since the last one but feels like its been a week....
Sneezing when you pee is only recommended when you`re in a public toilet.