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I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
My personal fast food philosophy: If nobody knows you went to McDonald`s, you didn`t really go to McDonalds.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
Just changed my wireless network name in my apartment to "I can hear you having sex through the ceiling and it sounds mediocre."
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers make any f*cking sense.
Do you ever start writing a status and half way through you’re just like… nah
I need more people like me in my life
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
I feel like I would enjoy getting out of bed more if I only had to do it like 3 times a week. This every day thing is overkill.
Just saw the previews for the movie Taken 3, you would think by now he would`ve gave his daughter self-defense and gun lessons?