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Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time
What if the lightbulb had never been invented? How would we know when someone has a really good idea?
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
If “dress for the job you want” were true, there would be a lot more people wearing capes.
You say mystery bruise, I say drinking badge of honor.
I`d like to test the theory that money can`t buy you happiness.
Oops, just bought vodka instead of milk again
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
You know it`s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…