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If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
I want to give up coffee, but I`d hate to do that to my coworkers.
I don’t cut in front of people whenever I’m waiting in long line, that’s rude. I just start dancing & grinding on them until they get all weirded out & leave. Works every time.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
I really think that Caller ID needs to be more detailed. It should say things like "Wants help moving" or "Will whine about bad relationship."
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
I was hooked on auctions after only going once... going twice
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
I`ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!