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The speed at which I can prepare food during a commercial break is amazing.
I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
"This is bullsh!t" - bull farmer giving barn tours
A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, `Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car`
I am the bestest at the English language...
I go on dates just to remind myself that being single is awesome.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
There`s 3 ways to get something done: 1. Do it yourself, 2. Hire someone or 3. Forbid your kids to do it.
One small step for man one giant step for a really small man
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
I think I`m going to run for political office, so people can dig up dirt on me. I have been wanting to piece together my twenties.
Nothing says " My divorce didn`t go as planned " quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars
I`m just amazed after all these years that we STILL haven`t seen Mario`s buttcrack.