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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
Just once I`d like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we`re going to have to ask you to leave"
Light travels faster than sound.. That is why some people appear bright until they speak.
My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
Not to brag, but, I`ve already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.
hell yeah !!!! i was the lucky sperm !!!!!