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If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
Today is Friday the 13th. Try not to be a teenage girl in her underwear at night at a deserted summer camp today.
I`m not saying your opinion is stupid, I`m just saying you`re stupid for having it
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Finding friends with the same disorder as you... priceless!
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
Another day....another 0.2% of a dollar
i hate it when other people hate the person i hate!!!
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Before telling me to listen to my heart you may want to check that it isn`t telling me to kick you in the shin!
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Spiderman is just another guy who ends up with sticky hands and covered in white stuff after being on the web.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?