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Hello 911? Do you think i`m pretty?
Someone once said that I should always treat other people how I would like to be treated. Now I`m facing sexual harassment charges.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
So, I hear Colorado`s population has increased 420%.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Waking up everyday seems a little excessive.
After 3 "it`s complicated" statuses, Facebook should just default to "Unstable"
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
Insanity workout? The fact I am even considering putting down my phone and getting off the couch is crazy enough, thanks.
When you`re a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.
I don`t need a New Years Resolution, I`m already awesome!