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Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
Cold? Try Netflix. You’ll still be cold, but you’ll be watching Netflix.
Does a transformer get car insurance or life insurance?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Me asking if you want anything from Starbucks is my way of telling you I am going to be very, very late
One way to know if someone is lying to you is if their facial mole is in a different place every time you see them
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I`m still looking.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
I`m pretty sure the phrase "sleep tight" originated in prison...
Thank God for Facebook otherwise we would never know what fireworks look like.
Listen lady, if you stopped screaming maybe you would enjoy holding hands with me.
I don`t drink to feel better about myself. I drink to feel better about being with you