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Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Birthday sex is just like regular sex but you are dissapointed that more people didn`t come.
Sorry I liked your status, I was cleaning my phone.
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
was on the treadmill for over an hour and I must say it is much easier with roller blades
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
I don`t have a drinking problem, you have a problem with my drinking. Big difference.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
I had a wet dream about you last night. Yeah, I was drowning you in a lake.
There are no words to describe how I feel about you... Good thing God invented the middle finger.
The older I get the better I used to be.
If they gave out awards for laziness, I would have to send somebody to accept it for me.
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!