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Life is beautiful ...... but Monday`s suck all the way around.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
Detroit and Chicago seem to be getting it right as of late. Limit all politicians to two terms. One in elected Office and one in prison.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Don’t piss off old people. The older they get, the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
That awkward moment when you imagine your own funeral...
My alarm clock is clearly jelouse of my amazing relationship with my bed.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!