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7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
Save your little napkin, bartender. I don’t plan on having this drink long enough to set it down.
Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
I try not to be rude, but some people make it hard work.
I should probably be in a relationship just for the supervision.
I hate when my mom tells people I`m 503 months old.
I`m kinda like an onion, not in some deep I have layers way, but if you see me naked, you`ll cry.
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
I`m afraid if I start working out, I`ll be too sexy
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
If you have time to update your status as "very busy", then you obviously exaggerated.