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I wish I would of asked if she believed in sex after marriage
I need an app that shows oncoming traffic on my touchscreen while I`m driving
Screw you, regular cars that look like police cars. Also vice versa.
Rapper; "I`m killing them snitches, smacking then bitches, smokin blunts and f*ckin hoes!" *wins award* Rapper: "I just wanna thank god.."
I’m over the 30-day ab challenge. Is there a 30-day nap challenge I can take on?
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes a great Subway sandwich.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
Time to be an adult and give up my bath time rubber ducky. I´m upgrading to the tugboat!
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
If I`m not in bed by 11PM, then I go home.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Treat your mom to a margarita this mothers day! Remember you`re the reason she drinks.
Confuse your coworkers today by telling them you`re going to the restroom to do a "number 3"
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.