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When God closes a door, it usually has my fingers in it.
Marriage tip: Don`t
I think the guy who invented the word kumquats should have gotten to name more stuff!
You can tell yourself that Sesame Street is educational but Cookie Monster has lived there for like 40 years and still can’t conjugate verbs.
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Home Depot
God is creative... I mean look at me??
Hate having friends? Just chew with your mouth open.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different from mine.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
If you are the one who stole my computer yesterday, please disregard the folder labeled, "Nature photographs." Thanks.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.