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79% of accidents happen in the home....... Finally, good news for the homeless
If you think you aren`t creative, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Grab the bull by the horns. The other end is too gross...
If Google can`t find the answer, it`s not a question.
You know you are paranoid when you think this joke is about you.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
Don`t get me started Bitches, I don`t come with brakes.
Karma’s only a bitch if you are.
My secret fantasy is to have two women at the same time, one cooking and one cleaning.
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Agreeing to disagree is lame. Let’s agree to take turns slapping each other until one of us admits we were wrong.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
I don’t think I get enough credit for doing everything I do while being unmedicated.
In order to avoid hating myself in the morning, I sleep till noon.