Daily Silly Status

I just made 3 critical errors: 1. I woke up for work. 2. I went to work. 3. I arrived at work.

Never judge a whiskey by its drinker.

Holiday Shopping Tip #112:Next time you see someone with their arms full of bags looking around a parking lot while pointing and clicking their horn button, help them out and start pushing your horn button too!

Sorry that most of my hilarious jokes are borderline inappropriate. And by sorry, I mean you`re welcome.

When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!

Remember if you ask me to put sun lotion on your back, I am definitely drawing something dirty while I`m back there.

Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"

I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.

Doing some laundry and hot single socks in my dryer are looking for a mate.

These Days everything is really starting to Click!.......My knee`s, my elbows, and the rest of my joints!

Slightly used Christmas tree only one month old. Paid $60. Looking for $40. No low ballers. Serious inquiries only. Come on let`s get this thing done.

When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.

Remember when you were a kid and all you would use the computer for was paint and space pinball?

Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.