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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Don`t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
Chasing your dreams is hard... especially when that damn alarm keeps going off
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Part of being sane is being a little bit crazy.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Saying "cool" also means, I don`t give a sh!t.
roes are red violets are blue he`s for me not for you if for any chance you`ll take my place i`ll use my fist and smash your face
Im really not just some idiot with nothing better to do with my time, I just play one in FB.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.