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I bet sex is great when I`m not the only one in the room.
Never trust a skinny chef
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Anything I say or do before I`ve had my coffee doesn`t count.
I like dating chicks with kids, because fruity snacks
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
If the Dollar Store ever starts selling alcohol....drinks are on me.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
If I`ve learned anything from the Kardashians it`s that I shouldn`t let my complete lack of talent hold me back.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won`t send my dog to obedience school
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.