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People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Some women need to realize that showing cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why didn`t you text me? I`ll never call you back. Like, ever. You`d have better luck with a telegram.
If you`ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you`ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I hate waiting in lines. I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
I once ran a Half Marathon. Well, I say that because it sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died halfway through a Full Marathon.
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
My motto is "Never say never." Which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
Another successful year no random father`s day cards in the mail!
I feel sorry for people who take everything way too seriously.
At this point I`m just waiting for summer to be cancelled completely.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.