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Saw a girl with three lip piercings, took everything in my power not to attach a shower curtain
I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Sometimes its better to eliminate the problem rather than trying to solve it.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
I came home from the gym today staggering and sweating after pushing my body to the limit ... And all I did was sign up.
I guess at a job interview "firing you" is not an acceptable answer when asked where I see myself in a few years.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
You fake your smile daily, then judge people for getting a fake tan.
Those beards make the Red Sox look like they`re going to a Civil War reenactment as Confederates.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.